Many people feel comfort and support when their friends and family are able to listen to their experience without offering advice or judgement. Your listening can make a survivor feel less alone, and more supported…even if you don’t have much to say.

Knowing that another person cares and things our experiences are valid is a powerful tool to healing. Survivors that receive care and validation are more likely to reach out to additional support services, compared to those survivors that are met with disbelief or judgement.

Violence and abuse is about power and control. Because of this, one of the most helpful roles you can play is helping to return agency and a sense of personal power to the survivor. Instead of pushing someone into taking actions for which they are not ready, ask how you can support them. Honor their choices, even if they are different from what you might choose to do.

Every community in Oregon has resources available to help survivors. These can be at the survivor’s school, in their town, or via a national hotline or online chat. Bottom line: there are lots of people that are willing to help. Click here, or the button below, to learn more about resources in your area.

Healing from an experience with violence isn’t linear: survivor’s may experience a range of feelings and emotions in the coming days, weeks, months, or even years. This is completely normal. If true, remind your friend or loved one that you are here to support them, and are willing to talk about how they are doing.

Supporting someone who has experienced violence is difficult, especially if you have your own experience(s) with violence. These feelings are valid. Take some time after a conversation where you are playing a supportive role to enjoy the outdoors, or do a healthy activity that makes you feel good as a way of re-centering yourself. Utilize your support systems and services.

Think about a time when you felt vulnerable or faced a crisis, and think of what helped you the most. Chances are it was not a specific conversation you had, but it was the knowledge and comfort that the person or people you told were there for you, believed in you, were on your side, and were committed to supporting you through a hard time. There are some helpful phrases you can use to show you care.

“I’m so sorry this happened to you.”

“I believe you.”

“This is not your fault.”

“You’re not alone. I’m here for you and I’m glad you told me.”

“I will support whatever you decide to do.”

“How you are feeling is valid.”

“I love you, and am here for you.”

Often times, a survivor may feel like what happened to them is their fault. We are bombarded with victim-blaming myths and attitudes in our society, and they can sink in…deeply. But no action excuses a person hurting someone else. Violence and abuse is never the victim’s fault. That responsibility and shame lies with the perpetrator. It can be helpful to communicate that gently and repeatedly.

“Nothing you did or could’ve done differently makes this your fault.”

“The responsibility is on the person who hurt you.”

“No one ever has the right to hurt you.”

“I promise, you didn’t ask for this.”

“I know that it can feel like you did something wrong, but you didn’t.”

“It doesn’t matter if you did or didn’t _______. No one asks to be hurt in this way.”